This article was submitted by a successful nightclub manager, all about the delights of working in the late night trade and how it would seem in any other scenario.

If we treated your job the way you treat ours…

This year is my 11th Christmas working in bars. Anyone that’s worked just one Christmas will understand that Christmas accelerates the drunken idiotic behaviour even further than it does during the rest of the year. I’ve been thinking, imagine if we treated our customers jobs the same way they treat us. When you think about it like this it becomes quite funny and you can start imagining annoying them at work as much as they annoy us to help pass the time.

I’ve selected a few favourite idiots and allocated them to some popular job roles but feel free to play around with your favourite idiots and see how funny you can make it.

The lonely this Christmas, get a room couple.

Hey, I understand that being single at Christmas is somehow more depressing than the rest of the year. Wa hey you’ve pulled at the Christmas party. Well done, I hope your one night stand extends into the new year and provides you with external happiness.

I imagine these people have a desk job…

On Monday morning me and my boyfriend are going to make an appointment with you to book a holiday, find a job or whatever is relevant to your job. After we’ve sat like human beings and completed the ‘transaction’ we are going to hang around your desk and he’s going to push me up against it and give me the most slobbery, disgusting kiss you’ve ever seen. I’m going to knock all your pens off your desk and look at you as if to say, “dude c’mon gimme a minute I’ve pulled here.” The bar is my desk you idiots! Move! If you can’t afford a Travelodge go and get carried away in the toilets until the door staff find you and embarrassingly kick you out. If you disgust me at my desk I will throw straws and ice at your, or my favourite – pop a party popper in your horrible wet faces!

This one is also hilarious if you imagine they work in medicine, after they’ve treated your condition, your boyfriend joins you on the little bed.

The I believe in Father Christmas magical shot twat.

This is the guy that orders a cocktail and thinks that because it’s Christmas, you’re willing to put a bit more in. Oh yeh, because there’s actually a secret us bar folk don’t tell the public… Santa actually delivers our Christmas stock for free because we’re so good all year round. Stock counts do not matter in December.

I pretend this person works in the Apple Store.

Imagine going in on the busiest day of the year and buying an iPad and seriously expecting a free iPod shuffle because they’re only little! C’mon on no one will notice one iPod, I’ve just spent £200 it’s Christmas, I deserve it. Stock is stock, it doesn’t matter if it’s a shot of lime or a bottle of finest champagne, we have to account for it ok twinkle toes? If we do appear to give you an extra shot it’s only because we half poured your actual shot just to shut you up so you’ve ended up with the same as everybody else!

The who drank all of Santa’s whiskey amnesia moron.

This is a favourite for all bartenders. They arrive at the bar, it’s their turn and they’ve forgotten what they like to drink and start asking delightful questions like, “do you sell vodka?” Then start looking over the bar expecting you to list everything that is clearly visible in the fridge, “what beers do you do?” Erm, the ones two foot away from your face… Oh no sorry I forgot about the rest of the stock that we hide in the cellar because we like to run back and forth all night. Then after going through a variety of annoying questions they decide to just have a Bud or even worse, serve someone else and come back to me! You’re ruining my queue system twatbag!

I pretend these people work on a supermarket checkout.

Do you think they would enjoy it if we arrive at the till scan the aisle from where we’re standing and ask, “Do you sell milk?” And if we need more than one item, collect the milk then come back and say, “what bread do you have?” After finally deciding on a loaf we then decide we need more milk… Do you see that it would be faster to get both milks at the same time? Make a shopping list please! I’m even willing to accept a written list if your memory is that bad.

Always assume bars sell basic provisions. Beer, vodka, rum, whiskey, gin of some kind and hey we also have a variety of mixers, just say “vodka and cranberry please.” If we’re having any stock issues that week, we’ll recommend an alternative.

I have so many more but I’m going to leave you with these three and maybe write a part two New Years special!

Merry Christmas bartenders! 

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